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Posts Tagged ‘#humor’

I did not write this, but after living in Alaska for over 25 years, it gives a humorously accurate depiction of what it can be like living here in the winter. For all the folks dealing with harsh winter weather…

snow plow

December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! We had 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but we had another 14″ of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s is lying.

December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she … nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24:
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9″ predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good! I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?  (Author unknown)

Well, I hope everyone is enjoying a great start to the New Year, and staying safe and warm! We don’t have much snow here at the moment, but my driveway and yard are like an ice skating rink, so it’s time to put the ice cleats on and get some more firewood.

Have a great day, and God bless! – Amber Lea

 

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A Writer’s Exercise Program

By Amber Leggette-Aldrich

  1. Weight Lifting:  Repeatedly lifting a 12oz coffee mug from desk to lips and back. Do this exercise several times throughout the day and evening for firm biceps.
  2. Cardiovascular Workout:  Hitting the delete button by accident and having all your work erased an hour before your assignment is due. This really gets your heart pumping and blood circulating as you jump up and down while screaming “NO”.
  3. Stretches:  Reaching for the computer paper on the shelf behind you and then reaching to put it in the printer. Make sure paper and printer are on opposite sides of your work area for an equal stretch.
  4. Reflexes:  Trying to catch yourself before falling out of your chair from reaching for the paper or printer. This is especially important if your chair has wheels.
  5. More Reflexes:  Trying to catch the cat before he runs across your keyboard and knocks your coffee over.
  6. Toning Work:  Replacing the ink cartridges in your printer.
  7. Squats:  Getting up and down from your chair for frequent bathroom breaks. A sign you are doing well on your weight lifting (see #1).
  8. Frequent Massages:  Scratching your head while staring at a blank screen. This promotes good circulation and helps stir up new ideas, or daydreaming.
  9. Knee Rotations:  Swiveling side to side in your chair while talking on the phone, wishing you were still working on your writing. This can be combined with the Frequent Massages (#8). Then it is considered “multi-tasking”.
  10. Breathing Exercises:  Blowing all the cat hair off of the desk, or sighs of exasperation. Either one will work, so long as you inhale and exhale deeply.
  11. Walking/Jogging:  Daily trips to the mailbox looking for that big fat check from your publisher for your latest bestseller, or your fan mail. (I don’t get to do this one, as I don’t have a bestseller or fans yet.)
  12. Endurance:  Repeatedly getting up and doing this all over again each day because you are a writer. It’s who you are.
  13. Yoga Position:  Giving our self a frequent pat on the back to maintain positive reinforcement of why we do this. Other benefits include, getting to those hard to reach spots when they itch.

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